The Forcefield of Shame

Occasionally, I find myself driving during rush hour.

I do so frequently enough that I see things I may not otherwise notice. How much busier the roads are, of course. And how much more anger there is from drivers. Cars undertaking, cutting in line, blasting horns. It’s rarely a pleasant experience.

As a rush-hour amateur, I feel the anger of other drivers. If I do something another driver doesn’t like, they let me know. And their anger feels personal.

It’s not that I’ve done something wrong; it’s that I’m wrong. I’m a terrible person. I should be ashamed.

As an adult, I can distance myself from those feelings.

I can see that, while another driver may feel this way, it’s likely more about them than me. Perhaps they’re having a bad day or are dealing with more general anger issues.

I know I’m a good person, even if I make a mistake.

Children don’t have that luxury.

When bad things happen in their lives, and when others treat them in terrible ways, they internalise that feeling.

For them, it’s not that they’ve done something wrong; it’s that they are something wrong. They are a terrible person. They should be ashamed.

“Unlike guilt, which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong.”

― Marilyn J. Sorensen

This feeling of shame is utterly overwhelming.

The Forcefield of Shame

I believe shame is like a magical force field that floats around our kids.

When the force field is powered up, we see a fairly typical child. A good kid. 👧

If the power fails and the force field shuts down, they believe we’ll see who they really are. 👹

Our kids believe (beyond all doubt) that this force field keeps us from seeing the scary truth. They know that if we see what hides behind it, we’ll leave.

And so they do everything they can to keep that forcefield active—anything to avoid others seeing the real them.

A few lies here or there, maybe some big lies. Hiding away the truth of how they’re feeling. Blaming others, minimising what’s happened, getting angry, swearing, shouting, shutting down... whatever it takes to keep that force field going.

Our kids know their forcefield is the only thing keeping everyone around them from leaving them. And so they’ll do everything they can to keep it switched on.

“Shame becomes the dominant emotion and hiding truth a central preoccupation.”

— Bessel van der Kolk

How do we help?

Our kids desperately don’t want us to see the real them. However, keeping that force field active at all times is exhausting and unsustainable. Every so often, the power runs out, and we get glimpses of the child behind the shame.

Our kids, whether they like it or not, show us who they are.

In those moments, we have a choice. We can either confirm their belief that, when we see the real them, we’ll leave (walk away, push them away, and disconnect). Or, we can challenge their belief and show them we’ll stay (pull them closer, connect).

“Shame is the fear of disconnection—it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”

― Brené Brown

Over time, we’re given these moments when the force field powers down.

This is our chance.

It’s our chance to show them the child behind the shame is lovable and worthy of connection.

We see the real them, and we aren’t going anywhere. ❤️‍🩹