Behaviour Below Ground
Making sense of things by going beneath the surface.
When we look at a child’s behaviour, we see only the surface.
To understand what’s really going on, we need to dig deeper.
Let me explain...
Two identical homes.
Same street. Same front door. Same garden.
Can you spot the difference?
There is no difference. On the surface, everything is the same.
For children, this could look like the same classroom. Same uniform. Same smile.
Everything seems fine above ground.
But what’s on the surface can’t always tell us the whole story.
If we dig below ground, we start to see the cracks.
The house may appear fine, but the foundations are far from secure.
The house on the left has solid foundations—just like how many children have early experiences of safety, predictability, and secure relationships.
The house on the right has fractured, unstable foundations—like the neglect, abuse, and instability experienced by some children.
The other families on the street don’t remember the house being built, and how the foundations were formed has long been forgotten. The house is now 10 years old, so it is expected to behave like every other house on the street.
When the cracks start to show, everyone is confused.
The only explanation anyone can think of? This must be a bad house.
So the problems above ground are addressed.
The windows are boarded up, the roof patched, the walls repainted. And yet, none of it lasts. The old problems keep appearing, no matter how much effort is put into making them disappear.
Nobody stops to think about the foundations.
What happened all those years back, before the walls went up and the roof went on? What state are those hidden foundations in now? Why don’t we dig deeper and try to find out?
And then one day, something shifts.
The house on the left feels a slight vibration from the ground.
This could be an unexpected change, a perceived threat, or a raised voice for a child.
For the house on the right, it feels like an earthquake.
The house on the left developed a resistance to these tremors. This goes down a little deeper, below even the foundations, allowing the house to absorb the movement as the ground beneath it shifts.
The house on the right isn’t so lucky. That resistance isn’t there.
Even the slightest tremor shakes its foundations and sends shock waves throughout the home.
There’s no other way.
Surface works won’t fix broken foundations.
The only way to achieve real change is to dig deep. Those unstable foundations must be rebuilt piece by piece. The job is much more complex once the house has been built, and the older it gets, but it’s possible.
It starts with understanding—seeing why the surface-level problems exist, knowing why every vibration feels like an earthquake.
Once we understand this—once we really see it—we can stop blaming the house and start rebuilding the ground it stands on.