Tommy Can’t Swim
Every day, Tommy goes swimming in the river. There’s just one problem. Tommy can’t swim.
Every day, Tommy goes swimming in the river.
There’s just one problem.
Tommy can’t swim.
The adults around Tommy know he can’t swim.
They keep an extra close eye on him.
They know he’s not just messing around when his head goes underwater. He’s fighting for his life. They know when the kids around him get kicked or punched, he’s not trying to hurt them. He’s trying to survive.
Tommy’s behaviour is met with lots of understanding, curiosity and compassion.
Are all Tommy’s behaviours related to his inability to swim? No.
Sometimes, he does the same things as the kids who can swim.
It doesn’t matter.
Because Tommy can’t swim.
Wherever he goes, whatever he’s doing… he’s still a kid who can’t swim.
How do we help Tommy?
We teach him to swim (of course).
We ask the adults around him to extend their understanding, curiosity and compassion. We tell them Tommy must learn to swim, but that he can only learn when he feels safe.
Most of the time, he’s terrified.
To help Tommy feel safe, we need more than understanding, curiosity, and compassion. We, as adults, need to show Tommy we care about his safety and that we’ll do everything we can to keep him safe. We’ll have lots of boundaries and rules and plenty of structure. We’ll help him see the consequences of his behaviour.
If Tommy behaves like the kids who can swim at times, shouldn’t we respond in the same way? No.
Because Tommy can’t swim.
Often, Tommy might look just like the kids who can swim. And he might behave just like them, too. But we can never forget that Tommy can’t swim.
If Tommy doesn’t feel safe, he can’t learn to swim, and things will never change.
What about when Tommy goes to an even bigger river, with more children his age and older? How will he cope if we’ve never treated him like a kid who can swim?
Tommy’s going to find that tough.
Because Tommy can’t swim.
He won’t suddenly wake up one morning and be able to swim. We need to teach him (which will take a long time) by first helping him feel safe, over and over. This will take longer for Tommy than it would for other kids. The kids his age all learned to swim when they were much younger. They felt safe when they were much younger.
If we spend all our time making Tommy feel safe and teaching him to swim, how will he ever learn to take responsibility for his choices? Until Tommy learns to swim, he can’t take responsibility. He can’t feel safe. He can’t make better choices.
Because Tommy can’t swim.
One day—if we keep him safe and teach him slowly—Tommy will swim.